Sea of Ambiguity

Magnificence

2005-03-30T05:20:00.000-05:00

"This is my december
This is my time of the year
This is my december
This is all so clear
This is my december
This is my snow covered home
This is my december
This is me alone
And i
Just wish that I didnt feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And i
Just wish that I didnt feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my december
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need
And i
Just wish that I didnt feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And i
Just wish that I didnt feel
Like there was something I missed
And i
Take back all the things I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
This is my december
This is my time of the year
This is my december
This is all so clear
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to"

Amendment One

2005-03-23T00:53:00.000-05:00

Not allowed to speak my mind

You just don’t want to hear it

Well hear it comes and

So what if it makes your teeth grind

Rather it be bottled up

Like a ticking time bomb

And when explodes destroys

Your world and mine now wassup

It’s hard so have some compassion

Walk away if your ears bleed

Because I’m bleeding inside

I’ll use Amendment One

The easy way out you say

Maybe just for this life

You don’t believe in Heaven

So there is a Hell in what way

In this Hell you would burn

Taking the “easy” way out

Is not what you wanna say

Stop by Hell and see what you learn

No I’m not saying go to Hell

I’m trying to enlighten you

As to your “easy” way out

I don’t buy those words you sell

If you cared to help you’d see

The pain I try to hide

Behind the smiley face mask

That’s used so I can be

A permanent mask would not be fun

I want to be free

I want to wear my face with pride

So I’m gonna use Amendment One

To Those Dearest: Part 1

2005-03-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

Dad,

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you Happy Birthday and some other things. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life. I can’t explain why I’ve done some of the things I’ve done. Some people have to learn things the hard way. I guess I’m one of those people. I do learn from my mistakes and I guess that’s what matters. Life is a lesson. In my search for happiness I’ve done things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but made me feel a lot worse afterwards. I’m really lost right now. I don’t really know who I am anymore. Thoughts run through my head like a dog chasing a car and I’m so confused. I guess what I’m trying to do is ask for forgiveness for the things I’ve done that upset you. I guess I just need to know that I have your support. I hope that someday I can make you proud. I hope you have a great birthday and that your marriage with Vanessa will be a happy one. You deserve to be happy. So anyway, Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.

Love,

Adam

Perfect Words Describe An Erroneous World

2005-02-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

"Something's wrong,
Trying to conquer these fears i thought were gone.
And it's been so long, I'm dying to live in a world i dont belong

I cant wait for someone to hear me,
And wait for someone to touch me.
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone.

I cant wait for someone to feel me,
And wait for someone to heal me.
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone..

On my own,
I'll show myself what it means to be alone.
And the tears i cry are washed away.
All the scars are my disguise.

I cant wait for someone to hear me,
And wait for someone to touch me.
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone.

I cant wait for someone to feel me,
And wait for someone to heal me.
And wait forever to be told,
Im forever alone..

I'm forever alone.
I'm forever alone.
I'm forever alone.

I, I'm not waiting here this time.

I can't wait for someone to hear me.
And wait for someone to touch me
And wait forever to be told,
I'm forever alone.

I cant wait for someone to feel me
And wait for someone to heal me
And wait forever to be told
I'm forever alone"

Life Passes By As Each Day More I Die

2005-02-23T23:06:00.000-05:00

Livin to die
So why should I try
Maybe thats why
Sometimes I just fly
To get away
From all the pain
That relentlessly haunts me
Makes me go insane
I burn inside and out
With fury and ache
It hurts so bad
Sometimes I just shake
I'm left alone (sigh)
Only to cry
The tears like acid dry
And my life passes me by

Peace Is A Word Made Up By Some Optimistic Dumbshit Slutbag

2005-02-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

It's a sick world out there today. Why is that you say? The people in it make it this way. I want to know what makes people do some of the things they do. It's everyone too. I'm not singling anyone out. I've made my fair share of mistakes. But what drives people to rob, steal, and kill? Is it a lack of attention? Why can't people talk about their problems instead of shooting at each other? That's why we have to go to war. Peace just doesn't seem to work anymore. People don't want peace. See what happened when Adam ate the fruit? I'm surprised armageddon hasn't happened yet. Well don't let your hopes fall, North Korea still has its nuclear weapons that can reach us. If you ever thought about killing yourself don't bother doing so. Let someone else do it for you! There are lots of people that seem to want to kill each other out there. Just piss someone off and maybe you'll get lucky.

Pet Peeves Remembered

2005-02-02T01:34:00.002-05:00

I used to hold a grudge back in high school against people that are spoiled. You know what I'm talking about. The kids that had the new cars and the expensive clothes. The ones with credit cards in their parent's names. Now, maybe a new mustang is a bit much for a kid in high school, but now I understand that parents just like to make their kids and happy and buy them nice things. My whole take on the subject was that kids also need to learn responsibility by having jobs and paying some of their own bills. Tonight, however, I saw something on MTV (the station that ruined music) that really made me remember the pet peeve I had in high school. A girl was having a sweet sixteen party. Of course it started out that she had a credit card in her parent's name. Ridiculous. She also wanted a Range Rover for her 16th birthday. I mean come on...a fucking Range Rover? That's a little too extreme. Actually, take the word little and upgrade that by about 10,000 times. Well, her parents cancelled her credit card because she was spending too much money and she got pissed. She actually thought that it was a must that parents provide their children with a piece of plastic and run up their bills. Then she found out that they weren't going to get her a Range Rover for her birthday and she spazzed out. She started balling her fucking eyes out. Well boo-fucking hoo! So after she threw the biggest fit and thought that it was too extreme that her parents were not buying her a Range Rover for her birthday, they bought into her bullshit and wining and got her one anyways so that she could be happy and so that they could continue spoiling her and giving her everything she ever wanted. Wouldn't it be nice if we just wined and cried and got our way like little babies? What a crock of shit.

Clichéd Terms

2005-01-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

This is going to be an ongoing piece as I will keep thinking up or hearing terms that annoy me.

1.) Drama- This word is used way too much. There's drama here, drama there. Drama, drama, drama. I hear this word all the time. I just don't pay any attention to this stuff. When the term does come up I try to block it out. It's so annoying. The new term that needs to be instated in place of drama is "bullshit".

2.) Party- Nowaday people use the word party or partying all the time. The term seems to apply to any time of fun that involves alcohol. If you hang out with a couple friends and drink it is not partying. When you go to an actual party, that is when you party. If you play some cards and drink alcohol it is not partying. There is not even a point to asking someone what they did because they will most likely say that they partied. So the new term for party or partying is going to be "drank".

3.) Tight- The word tight means firm or inflexible. It does not mean cool or awesome. There is a kid across the hall that must use the word tight at least twenty times a day. This is tight. That's tight. NO, it's cool or awesome. It's amazing . I think he likes the word tight so much because he likes tight assholes. The new term for tight will be "super duper" or "neato" because that is what Ron Burgundy uses.

4.) Gay- This word is used by people for many different things. I am at fault for using this word too much. I sometimes say, "that's gay." I should say that it is stupid. Sometimes people use it to be sarcastic when they could just speak the truth. Gay should be reserved for cock-loving faggets and big fat Rosi O' Donnel lesbians. The new term for gay will be, simply, stupid.

Fast Forward Time

2005-01-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so that I could travel to the day of my death and be done with my miserable and insignificant life.

Hard To Breathe

2005-01-24T19:38:00.000-05:00

There's a void in my life I can't seem to fill. No matter how hard I try there's no water for my gils. Breathing is becoming so hard. I want to give up and let go. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone I can't hardly think straight. I need a light in my life to give me hope. I'm clinging to a cliff and I just need a rope.

Early Morning Mayhem

2005-01-24T06:14:00.000-05:00

I did not mean to upset you or make you mad at me. I did not mean to scare you or act like nothing matters. Certain people do matter to me and you are one of them. I wish you did not have to feel the pain you feel right now. I would take it all away in a heartbeat if I could. I'm glad you are my friend and that I can count on you when I need you, no matter what time of day. I once told you that I never wanted you to be hurt and then I ended up hurting you. It wasn't on purpose. I don't want you to be hurt. You deserve to be happy and enjoy life. I want you to know that I am also here as well for you. The same thing you told me applies to you. If you need to talk call me, no matter what time it is. Trust me, I know what it feels like to be in the position you are in. So my advice will at least be relevant. You are beautiful to me in every way and I wish I could take away all your pain...

Deleting Life

2005-01-24T05:56:00.000-05:00

I wish GOD would have made the human heart a little stronger. I don't like talking about bad relationships or upsetting things that have happened to me in the past. Those are some things that should be bottled up and forgotten. Unfortunately for yours truly and everyone else it does happen. Wouldn't it be easier if we could just erase the hard or painful times from our heart? Then there would not have been times where I've had a knife to my throat. Of course I changed my mind because I'm still here. You don't exactly get an A in this life for killing yourself. There would be no heartbreak and no pain if you could just erase events of your choice from your heart. The heart definitely needs a delete button.

Can't Hold Me Back

2005-01-24T00:54:00.000-05:00

Now is the time
It's gotta start now
I've got nothing left to lose
I'm out on the prowl

Somethin's gotta happen
Cuz I'm just like Alice
I'm down in a hole
But I'm lookin for a palace

It's time to break away
I'm wrapped up N Chains
I've gotta set myself free
Wash out all the stains

I've been motivated
I'm inspired
Sick of the shit
I don't wanna be tired

I've walked down too many roads
Now I've come across 8 Mile
No one can hold me back
Even if you don't like my style

This is what I'm meant to do
I can feel it in my bones
If you don't like how I write
Then you're probably just stoned

I'm not Bob Marley
Or Jimi at all
I've tried that drug
It's definitely not a ball

The shit doesn't help
When you're stressed and depressed
It doesn't fix your problems
Only makes you forget at best

So it's time to move on
I'm gonna follow my dreams
Whether you like it or not
No its not for the bling

The Bling Bling
Is not what I want
So respect what I say
No need to smoke that blunt

All you need is love
The greatest thing in the world
The feeling you get
Will make your insides curl

Now back to 8 Mile
No I'm not from Detroit
Who gives a fuck
If your shoes are Voit

Perseverance is the key
You gotta keep on movin
You will be so happy
Just don't call it groovin

It's a new day and age
And if you speak like that
You won't be cool
No you won't be phat

So now I'm just spittin
No I'm not smokin crack
I've just gotta let go
And you can't hold me back

The Devil Smiles When An Abortion Is Performed

2005-01-23T23:38:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine's girlfriend recently had an abortion, so I felt compelled to express my feelings on the subject here. I am wholeheartedly against abortion. Now there are many different arguments to be given for or against abortion. What if the woman was raped? What if the guy didn't know she stopped taking birth control? What if the girl is too young to have a kid? Well, first of all, if girls feel that they are too young to have a kid then they shouldn't be having unprotected sex. How fucking hard of a concept is that to understand? Use a condom and 99% of the time the girl will not get pregnant. Don't use a condom and the chances are very very high that the girl will get pregnant. If a woman was raped and gets pregnant she may feel that a child would remind her of the assailant. Therefore she may have a legitimate reason for having an abortion. I still think it is wrong. Not telling a boyfriend that you stopped taking birth control is a pretty big deal. Something needs to be dealt with there. Every child is a gift of GOD. When you kill an embryo that is not fully developed you are still killing a living, breathing life that will never have a chance to experience the world. Think about your life and what you love most about it. Think about what you enjoy doing. Think about your hobbies and your interests. How would you feel if you were cheated out of these things because you were killed before you were born. GOD gave us this life to make what we will of it and as a gift. Let's not pick and choose what lives get a chance to unwrap this gift and which ones don't.

Thoughts of Bliss

2005-01-23T04:22:00.000-05:00

When you say that it makes no difference whether or not you are here bolts of lightning strike my chest, sending volts of electricity to the pit of my stomach. Everytime I look at the blanket you made me I think of the times we had together. They mean more to me than you think and I've thought about those times more than you know. I know how much love you pored into making it for me and I'll never forget it. I want to show you to the world as my trophy and give you the love you deserved the first time around and still deserve today. Your smile makes me glow inside and I want to make you feel the same way every second of every day. I want you to be happy and if it means that we can't be together, then so be it. Your happiness means so much to me, so whatever I can do for you just name it. I not only hope that you wake up with a smile on your face, but I hope it at least lasts the rest of the day.

Passing The Time

2005-01-23T03:45:00.000-05:00

How has it become such that a bottle of pills now controls my very existence. It is the separator between the life and death of me. It's quite amazing how insignificant and trivial my life seems when I'm not on my happy pill, and happy is an overstatement. Content is even an overstatement. It keeps me here and somewhat on task. The tolerance is built up so quickly too. First 20 mg, then 40, now 150. What next? Even on medication I've never felt so low to the ground before. I'm like a microscopic being trying to survive in a world of jolly green giants. What I wouldn't give to start anew. To be reborn. I only have to wait approximately 60 years to enter the halls of radiance. I only wish for the strength to stumble through my shadowy subsistence.

A Look Back Into December

2005-01-23T02:25:00.000-05:00

When I look back at my life what do I see? Disfunction. Betrayal. Blunders. Loneliness. Confusion. Darkness. A total fucking mess. Lose friends. Cheated on. Suicidal contemplations. There was a time, however, when I felt at peace. A light shown through the darkness. I felt content with life. I felt I had a grip on what life was about. When you came into my life as a friend it was great. Oh, I was still depressed as hell, but it all went away when I saw your smile. Then our relationship blossomed into a beautiful pink rose. The thorns were my insecurities. Something was missing. I had a great girl who loved me dearly and I could see it in her eyes. But I was jealous. I was curious. I was a waste of space who didn't deserve something so lovely. But I had it. Then I made a terrible mistake. I discarded the very thing that kept me at peace. I was afraid. I was anxious about the future. I was insecure. I was wrong. Now I look back at the light that I broke with my very hands. Lightbulbs can't be fixed when they go out. You have to buy a new one. I don't want a new one. I want to fix the one I crushed with my bare hands. It was the brightest light I've ever seen. It's not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I guess you don't know what you've got until it's gone...

Blinded By Love

2005-01-22T18:18:00.000-05:00

An uncontrollable sensation
Pulses through your veins
You see the world when
You gaze into their eyes
Time is the matter
The matter is the tie
Life is no matter
The matter is the high
Trust is the key and
The door has been unlocked
You're home free

Apparently You Don't Know

2005-01-22T01:10:00.001-05:00

Apparently this
Apparently that
A parent wouldn't miss
My first time at bat
You think you know
But you've got no clue
When I feel so low
Why I am so blue
You understand naught
Because you weren't there
The problems I've got
I deal with in my lair
My lair you say?
It's right here with my quill
Maybe you'll get it someday
But apparently you know nil

Couldn't Say It Better Myself

2005-01-22T01:07:00.000-05:00

"Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold"

Thank GOD For Constitutional Amendments Against Gay Marriage

2005-01-21T23:51:00.000-05:00

Well boys and girls, Bush's second term has officially begun. I don't like the fact that he risks the lives of hard working soldiers to finish what daddy started and to get more oil, but at least he's not a liberal. Damn tree-huggin faggets. It's such a good thing that Bush is fighting gay marriage. Rosi O'Donnel is a stupid pig and a discrace to lesbians everywhere. Truthfully I am not very aroused by lesbian porn, but Rosi O'Donnel is still a discrace. If I were to ever bring myself to think about another guy sexually I would gag myself before dousing myself in gasoline and standing in front of a petroleum tanker in the middle of the interstate. Being gay is so disgusting. What self-respecting man could actually be a big enough duschbag to take it up the ass. Plus it would hurt like a bitch! Well, technically, faggets aren't men. Besides that you will not only live a short and tormented life, but you get to look forward to burning in hell for all of eternity! Yay! Now, with my utmost hatred I say goodbye for now and leave all you faggets to ponder what I say and hopefully pull your dicks out of your boyfriend's asses and come back to your senses...

Egoists = One of the Lowest Lifeforms On the Planet

2005-01-21T02:40:00.000-05:00

Tonight I read about egoists and altruists for philosophy. No matter how many books I buy that I plan to read and gain knowledge from, I can't sit and read. Perhaps the subject material was just boring. I mean come on, egoists and altruists! They are both extremists but the latter is obviously the best choice. Who could possibly devote their whole life to being happy no matter how selfish it makes them or how much they hurt others? Of course, only extreme egoists do this sort of thing, but it is still crazy. One thing Lousis Pojman (West Point) believes is that "the paradox of egoism is that in order to reach the goal of egoism, one must give up egoism and become (to some extent) an altruist, the very antitheses of egoism." This conclusion is reached by his thoughts on deep relationships or friendships. Egoists focus on themselves and put themselves before everyone else. In order to have a successful relationship, this can't be so. So Pojman wonders (as do I) whether egoists have friends or relationships. If they do then they are violating what they allegedly stand for. I believe I am somewhere in the middle of egoists and altruists. I want to be able to help others. I give to charities and to hospitals when I can. But I also want to be happy and do things to make myself so. So, the moral of this little creation is that egoists need to go back to whore island. Fuck em!

Alone In The Dark

2005-01-19T18:43:00.000-05:00

So here I am again sitting in my dorm room at my computer. This is the second week of school after break. I couldn't wait to get back from break and see all my friends. Done. So what now? I'm back in my regular routine of going to class and coming back to sit on my ass for the remainder of the day. I can't help but think that all I am doing is wasting space on this fucked up planet with our fucked up governments that try to lead us to believe that we are free. I need to bring meaning to my life, but how? I'm good at getting drunk and getting double teamed by the chair and the floor in my room. I'm at a top university with a 3.5 GPA. I have great friends that stick with me through thick and thin, and I have enough free time to read, to learn and gain knowledge, that I don't know what to do. So what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel so alone? I try not to think about negative things in life but they cloud my mind like fog on a cool morning. I have no money to pay for college and I have no idea what I should major in or what my career will be. I try to have as good of a time as I can while I'm young but I keep getting into trouble. I also don't have a girlfriend because the last girIfriend I had slept with another guy when she was drunk. Oh no, it wasn't that she was lying to me. She told me it happened, shortly after telling me that she loved me! I mean what the fuck! So if somebody has the answer to life or if someone could tell me why the hell everyone looks so damn happy all the time it would be greatly appreciated. I need an answer, and if you say love is the answer then I don't know what I'm going to do because I've already loved and lost and I'm not so sure that I will ever be loved again.

Nighttime Comparison

2005-01-18T04:47:00.000-05:00

The sun goes down.
The sea level rises.
Your're in the sea and
Suddenly your mind is seized.
Seized away from you.
Drowning seems inevitable.
Think...swimming tactics.
Swimming tactics...
Your breath is fading fast now.
You feebly scream for help.
Your eyes well up with tears.
The pain becomes overbearing
Then you finally realize
That you are all alone,
Drowning in the dark,
And no one will save you.